Alone, at the movies

1st August, 2013

Me in the softest voice possible: “Hello, yes can I get a ticket to the 7:30 show for the Notebook please?”

Ticket clerk over the loud speaker: “Sure!  Just one ticket?”

Me smiling -Great now the whole world knows: “Yes please.  One!”

Ticket clerk over the loud speaker that’s even louder than before: “That’ll be twelve dollars for a single ticket.”

Me feeling the piercing stares from the long line of people behind me: “Heh… here you go.  Thank you.”

Sigh.

 

I walk over to the entrance and hand the clerk my ticket stub, she looks behind me as if to notion for my companion who must be in tow.

Without hesitation and hoping that the phone doesn’t actually ring, I launch into full conversation with my phone as if talking to my boyfriend who is clearly running late and stuck in the worse possible traffic.

Me : “Well, I guess I’ll just go in and see you when you get here.”  Hand gestures.  Shrugging.

Knowing fully well that there is no one coming.

Sigh.

……………………..

This used to be my life when I attempted periods of single-hood.  Is that even a word?  Single-hood… Single-dom, single-osity, single-ious.  Single life!  It took me fifteen minutes to get into the movie theatre and another ten to stop trying to convince the movie going audience that my companion was actually running late but was coming, and at least another five until I talked myself into actually watching the movie.

It was ridiculous.  Absolutely ridiculous.  I was so concerned with what other people thought about my relationship-status-at-the-movies; people I didn’t know.  People  I’d never met-  will never talk to – will never see again.  These people had me in a choke hold.  They represented a fear. The fear of not fitting in and not being okay with my truth.  And my truth was that I was alone.  Alone at the movies.  So I did everything to fit in and everything to appear alright with it but I really wasn’t.  Because even if I did convince everyone else to think that my beau was on his way, I was not ok with them knowing that I was actually there- Alllll Byyyy My Sellllffff  {can you hear that Celine Dion song too?}  It was almost like I needed their approval and acceptance to buy one ticket.

I was not okay being by myself.  That was the truth and looking at me you’d never know it, I appeared everything confident should look like- strutting into any room with my shoulders back and my head high.  At the time I thought I was okay by myself.  I reeeally did.  Now, I’m relieved that I could tell this story in past tense because I can see how self deceived I was.  How I avoided the truth of being by myself, in my own company, in a public place like the movie theatre.

It was realizing that who I am is who God made me to be, and that made me more than okay.  Understanding that what He thought of me was more important than what anyone else thought, more powerful than any fear I had.   Breaking away from certain thought patterns was such a freeing experience, away from the thinking that I had to fit in or match what others were doing or being concerned with them.  Things changed the moment I took my eyes off everybody else and focused them on God.

Since then I have seen tons of movies alone.  It’s one of my favorite things to do.  In fact I now enjoy so many things about going to the movies alone that it feels like an entourage when someone else tags along.  Because it’s only one seat it’s very easy sit anywhere in the theatre, even after the movie starts.  And a lot of times because of the choice seating you can spread out over three or four seats… like a couch!  When seating is tight I still get to watch the movie in peace because people rarely ever want to disturb the weird girl who came to the movies by herself, {and we know she came to the movies by herself because she actually took the only seat left available smack in the center of the entire row.}

But there’s one thing!  Once, I got up. And after returning from the restroom I realized I missed a very important clue in the movie.  There was no one close by to tell me what happened so for the rest of the movie I had to guess what happened to little Rue.

 

 

 

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